'CAUSE:I:AM:ME
Name: Koh Wen Hui Jack
Nick: Jack'al
Age: 16++
Height: 167cm
Weight: 47kg
Citizenship: Singaporean
Occupation: Student
Religion: Christianity
School: Nanyang Polytechnic
Church: NewCreation Church
Affiliation: DARE [Youth Ministry of NewCreation Church], Sound Ministry
Hobby: Sound-engineering, Drumming, Cycling/Blading, Hanging out, Music, Slacking
Books: [which part of me tells you i'm a bookworm]
Movies: [comedy, action] scary movie 4, mr. bean's holiday, rush hour 3, ghost rider, ratatouille, evan almighty
Music: [christian, rock] NewCreation Church Band, Hillsongs, Bon Jovi, Skillet, Dream Theatre, Evanescence, Funeral For A Friend, Killswitchh Engage, The Red-Jumpsuit ApparatusThe All-American Rejects
MSN: dare2serve_christ@hotmail.com
URL: [where u're at now] http://distortrified.blogspot.com & http://distortrified.multiply.com
Friendster: http://www.friendster.com/distortrify
Most of all, I'm the beloved child of the most high God being embraced in the BIG Arms of my Loving Jesus!
He loves me wif His everlasting love...
He clothed me wif His robe of righteousness...
He comforts me wif His unshakeable peace...
He pours out His abundant favor & grace upon me
He blesses me according 2 His riches in Heaven...
He keeps me safe under the shadow of His wings...
All for love a Savior prayed :: Let the cross draw man to You
Salvation is here :: Cause You are alive and You live in me
When I see Him smile :: I can do anything
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Complaints Of Papercuts Become My Only Friend
it's been past few days since i've last blog... and just to summarize everything that had happened... life has been SHIT for me all this while... i hated myself... i hated my life... i hated my world... but i ended up putting all the responsibilities on my shoulder... what's all these tears that i've been bearing for... are they of any worth?... i'm now just been locked in the prison of self-indulgence... my world now becomes lonely... i missed the knocks of my hollow door i used to resound.
at home... i'm just been an extra large creature... no one cares about my feelings, my thoughts... i'm living with parents who couldn't understand me... all they do is nag nag nag... after all... those nags were just like MP3 playbacks... why bother listen... none of them could understand the words that came out of my mouth... am i speaking greek or hebrew or something??... now, i wished i was the only child... my bro is just a sucker... everyday pulls a face so black and long, people just simply mistook him for a broom... all he does is restrict me from whatever things i used to have in my life... home is now no longer a home to me... it's just a place with a roof that i could sleep in... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
in church... gosh... coming to mention of it... i'm probably been treated like a calafare... like i was a non-existent... when the others are down and dull... people draw to them... people shower their cares and concerns to them... their listening ears open so wide probably no ear wax could hold on in there any longer... when they cry people were willing to cut their skin cells to give them tissue for their tears... when these people are down and dull, others who do not know what happens and do not wishes to get involved will just keep quiet... as though they were accompanying the victim to be down and dull also... everyone's mood gets dragged down just because of 1 or 2 people's mood swings... but me??... i thought what was the world to me now... i didn't have anyone to make me feel much stronger when days are out and my hour seems much longer... in fact, i have everyone to drag me under and leave me behind... fuck feelings... fuck emotions... my friends probably only love me for what i can give them... but what if i can't... don't ever mention to me the word called friends... it is not my dictionary anymore... i don't even know how the word even got in in the first place... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
sometimes when i come out from serving... i was surprized to see only a few of them waiting for me while the rest flies off to 'lala' land... sometimes all of them already flew off as though the bird flu (flew) them away or something... i'm always left the outcast.. i'm always left the most down and dull... yet nobody comes to me... they would probably just give as excuse saying, "jack is just been emo, don't disturb me, just leave him alone.'... ever thought since when i became emo... ever thought since when i started having mood swings... it's all because of these insecurities i had... and you guys just came into the playground of my life, disturbed my swing and move it to and fro, and ran off... of course got mood swing lah... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
i really wanna SCREAM my lungs out... but then i thought... who would be able to hear me from the depths of the cliff
i really wanna CRY my eyes out... but then i thought... who would be able to catch my tears before it hits the floor
i really wanna VANISH from here... but then i thought... who would be able to notice my disappearance from the crowd
i really wanna LEAVE myself behind... but then i thought... who would be able to make a u-turn just to fetch me
somethings were probably better left unknown for the rest of my life
cause now that the truth was known
it really hurts
i'm held hostage to my own humanity
i'm damn frustrated about myself, about the people around me
i'm biting my lips, i'm hitting the wall
i don't want know what i'm lacking that draws life away from me
is anyone willing to hold my hand and firmly assure me?
will holding on tightly ever work again?
what if i let go and just let myself fall into the rut of my own mistake
i'm just locked in my own doubts and insecurities
can i beg anyone to be my escape?
frm:
jack'al
at home... i'm just been an extra large creature... no one cares about my feelings, my thoughts... i'm living with parents who couldn't understand me... all they do is nag nag nag... after all... those nags were just like MP3 playbacks... why bother listen... none of them could understand the words that came out of my mouth... am i speaking greek or hebrew or something??... now, i wished i was the only child... my bro is just a sucker... everyday pulls a face so black and long, people just simply mistook him for a broom... all he does is restrict me from whatever things i used to have in my life... home is now no longer a home to me... it's just a place with a roof that i could sleep in... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
in church... gosh... coming to mention of it... i'm probably been treated like a calafare... like i was a non-existent... when the others are down and dull... people draw to them... people shower their cares and concerns to them... their listening ears open so wide probably no ear wax could hold on in there any longer... when they cry people were willing to cut their skin cells to give them tissue for their tears... when these people are down and dull, others who do not know what happens and do not wishes to get involved will just keep quiet... as though they were accompanying the victim to be down and dull also... everyone's mood gets dragged down just because of 1 or 2 people's mood swings... but me??... i thought what was the world to me now... i didn't have anyone to make me feel much stronger when days are out and my hour seems much longer... in fact, i have everyone to drag me under and leave me behind... fuck feelings... fuck emotions... my friends probably only love me for what i can give them... but what if i can't... don't ever mention to me the word called friends... it is not my dictionary anymore... i don't even know how the word even got in in the first place... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
sometimes when i come out from serving... i was surprized to see only a few of them waiting for me while the rest flies off to 'lala' land... sometimes all of them already flew off as though the bird flu (flew) them away or something... i'm always left the outcast.. i'm always left the most down and dull... yet nobody comes to me... they would probably just give as excuse saying, "jack is just been emo, don't disturb me, just leave him alone.'... ever thought since when i became emo... ever thought since when i started having mood swings... it's all because of these insecurities i had... and you guys just came into the playground of my life, disturbed my swing and move it to and fro, and ran off... of course got mood swing lah... now somebody pray tell me... what friend do i have left?
i really wanna SCREAM my lungs out... but then i thought... who would be able to hear me from the depths of the cliff
i really wanna CRY my eyes out... but then i thought... who would be able to catch my tears before it hits the floor
i really wanna VANISH from here... but then i thought... who would be able to notice my disappearance from the crowd
i really wanna LEAVE myself behind... but then i thought... who would be able to make a u-turn just to fetch me
somethings were probably better left unknown for the rest of my life
cause now that the truth was known
it really hurts
i'm held hostage to my own humanity
i'm damn frustrated about myself, about the people around me
i'm biting my lips, i'm hitting the wall
i don't want know what i'm lacking that draws life away from me
is anyone willing to hold my hand and firmly assure me?
will holding on tightly ever work again?
what if i let go and just let myself fall into the rut of my own mistake
i'm just locked in my own doubts and insecurities
can i beg anyone to be my escape?
frm:
jack'al
spoken adhesives at 15:56
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