yesterday thursday bible study... i was wearing a shirt, the front with the words, "having a good time"... but now i guess i should have a feel of guilty consciousness and begin the act of vandalism... actually to think of it... graffiti is not vandalism... it is art... though i suck big time in art... i'm not gonna give a damn... i've should have changed those words to "having a bad time"

yes... i appreciate the fact that you gave me that talk during service time yesterday... what you said was mostly true... i will take it deep into my heart and consider them precious... however i'm gonna take them with a pinch of salt and vinegar... just being my usual self as you had observed all along and talked about... do pardon me and give me some time to digest them and fit into the space

quoting from my friend cheryl... "you gave me something to scream about"... yes... i was trembling and screaming inside me when you gave me that talk... the primary reason was the freezing air-conditioner... the secondary reason was i wanted a wall to punch left right center back front... fuck... i never thought violence would embrace me... the room was so cold... the room was so dark and dull... somebody throw me some tube warmth and brightness into the room please... in tears and agony i beg...

i didnt mind if you gave me a personal talk... a one-to-one, heart-to-heart talk... but there were a few things i wished i could talk back... just to get myself on the right track... but i couldn't... because if i talked back, i will fulfill the prophecy you had just laid upon me... so i bit my tongue... it bled no tissue in my body survived the drowned, drenched and detached

you corrected me whenever i tried to talk to you... yes i'm so grateful for your effort in attempt to teach me my mistakes... but i want to be the convinced which you aint answering my doubt... in general cases, i like to either have more than one person in agreement on a topic or on my corrections... or by one person be given concrete evidence or explanation to answer my doubts and misunderstandings... but what i aint satisfied of my own is that you fulfilled none of my so-called criteria... you are more like telling me what and what not to do, rather than why and why not to do

you also said i have lost the questioning mind that i used to have... you condemned me that i was in FOH for some time yet i do not know a lot of stuff... but what you didn't know was that i do ask lionel quite some questions... observations that questioned me, "why did he do that?"... fyi... there are areas that i want it to be uncovered by me, by questioning, by researching, etc etc... there are also areas that i want it to be uncovered to me, like someone teaching me... but outside sound, i do question lionel too... general knowledge that do not need to be learnt in sound, but just for extra information

it was as though you accidentally make me jump into the deep waters... but still not enough... you pulled my head down deeper into the water... let me taste a bit of salt water first... then pull me back up... take a classic recent example... "Guy A" asked a question... i knew from what point "Guy A" was asking that question from already... cause i was in his state when i asked lionel that question also... same perceptions as "Guy A"... and i already have a flow of thoughts getting ready to explain to him... since you like to play along with me, fine i'll play along also... just in case you hadnt know... as i was talking... i was already watching you at the side of my eye... when i saw you approaching, i just act a little dumb and end off my explanation at less than 20% of my flow of thoughts... let you take the stage... the stage lights were too sour for me anyway... i'll just step back and save my saliva

i shall end my speech... at least i have learnt my lesson... which is to shut the fuck up if it's none of my business... so if any point in time i act "tao"... pardon me but i just dont want to look for trouble again

and for my friends who dont understand the scenario illustrated above... i suggest... then fucking DON'T... at least for this one lah... i know this one is a little deeper one


-jack'al