Is everything the same

Saturday, January 24, 2009

An Official Letter of Hatred and Screams

This is getting kinda frustrating and annoying, and I need to vent. This is going to get lengthy. Name of the concerned party shall be hidden, even though I dont see the point as this incident happened in quite of a public environment. -.-

Serving in the Sound ministry has always been a fruitful and rewarding one for me, especially serving with people like Jason, Foon, Eugene, and all other people I get to serve regularly with, and I never take my opportunty to serve for granted. I thank God for this gift of hearing that He has planted in my life, and having this opportunity to utilize and develop this gift through serving in His house. Furthermore, I also thank God for this rare interest of mine. You ask a random Singapore teenager about their favorite hobby, what are you likely to hear? Basketball, badminton, soccer, dancing, singing, playing musical instrument, or at best, slacking? Mine is sound-engineering, and slacking also lah.

And suddenly, after a substantially long time of disappearance, Goliath resurrected in my life. he started coming down to the Rock Auditorium and doing what he does best.
And that includes, probably being the biggest idiot in my life.

Two weeks ago, the Sunday when I took a break from serving 1st & 2nd service, he talked to me. Now picture it this way, I have seen musicians and singers who had their off-days during their serving, on stage. It is the time when somehow they just cant seem to play properly, or sing properly, and things just dont seem right while they are on stage. BUT, there is therefore now no condemnation. After all, they are all humans, bound to make mistakes what. Just dont do it on a consistent basis lah. So why am I an exception?

So back to where we left off. He talked to me after seeing some mistakes I made, telling me things like he wants to take things back to basics. While I think he just wants us to do things his way, his so-called basics. Then he told me things like he doesnt like the face that I give, like trying to show displeasure or attitude like that. But genuinely, I just gave a blank, neutral face, not what he thinks it is. Furthermore, I dont necessarily only show it to him, I showed it to people like Foon and Jason and whoever, but I dont mean anything, at all. And lastly, he told me say if he doesnt see improvement in me, he will start giving me less and less responsibilities, like he did for Mjay. And worst of all, he said that by doing so, he will give me time off to spend with my friends. Literally, I was kinda pissed. When I first started serving, I was still rather close with my friends, and he was the one who took my time away from my friends. So I thought to myself, I guess I'll forsake spending time with my friends, and concentrate on Sound ministry. Not that I forget about my friends totally, we still meet up from time to time, but definitely not frequently, much less on a Sunday. So now that I am so deeply integrated in Sound ministry, with people like Jason, Foon, Eugene, and all other people I serve regularly with, and also the musicians, he wants to take this very thing away from me. How evil!

Now that aside, on to something very much more recent.

On Thursday, went down to Suntec to pack stuff, and went over to Indoor Stadium for sound check and what have you. This was the killer day. Come sound-check, Goliath literally came to take over the board. I mean, he want to be stage manager, be stage manager. He want to be monitor engineer, be monitor engineer. Keep on coming down to 'chap', it's very uncomforting leh. And more so, he doesnt even know how the Aviom works, and how the monitor board works. For example, he did soundcheck for the Aviom ma-chiam like doing a mix like that, when the purpose of Aviom is to feed the sound to the Aviom and let the musicians handle the rest. If that is not the case, then get Aviom for what?? For another example, I made a tweak on the board, and he was like, "eh what is that you did, dont anyhow do things leh." I was thinking, "I know what I am tweaking, what do you mean dont anyhow do". Then I had to explain to him about the "flip" function on the board, which is the basic of basics.

When Laurence was around, working on the Aviom system, though it was our first time during the Christmas service, it went so smooth and nice. And for Laurence as a stage manager and working with me, the monitor engineer, I felt really comfortable lor. Take one instance, he lets me work on my job independently, giving me instructions like creating a new scene, etc., from time to time. But overall, he trusts what I am doing and that I know what I am doing. Communications wise, he doesnt command everything his way and scold people like Goliath. Yes he is very firm and his words and tone is very straight-in-the-face kind, but it advocates us to work, not hinder. And his management structure is very decentralized, so things get done really fast, snappy, unless it is a big decision to make.

Then there came a time, I accidentally interrupted his work, and he was like making a fuss of it and stuff. That's what you get when you come down and 'chap'. So I was just like "Oops!", undo what I did, and hands-off, as usual, giving a blank, neutral face that doesnt mean anything at all, initially. Now picture this. He started to feel uncomfortable with my blank, neutral face, and started starring at me and asking me why I am giving him that face. The silence went on. And he said he was getting distracted by my face. If so, then freaking move on. As the seconds ticked by, I can just feel more and more eyes laying on the two of us. Naturally, I feel more uncomfortable progressively in such an awkward situation, and my face turned blacker progressively. He asked for it this time. And I really wanted to get out of this, so I told him I was sorry, and for him to carry on. Then he went on this thing like, "I dont need you to teach me how to carry on.", and went on that stare. In that situation, what do you expect me to do, smile??

Goliath told me go to the toilet to wash my face, as if that will erase that face from me. I declined, and he raised his voice, "GO!". I threw my earphones and went off. Eugene came to accompany me. (Thanks.) Sorry lor. This one, I cannot just forget just like that, neither can I not take it personal. Because he took it personal, to the extreme. Now comparing to many teenage guys, I very seldom use the "f" word, and even if I do, it is really just-for-fun context, everyone can sense that and laugh along and stuff. Now at that moment, soon after I turned around, I threw the "f" word, and it is the FIRST time I threw the "F" word in church seriously.

Goliath super wanted face sia. Even simple things like when Goliath was attending to Angie about her monitor needs, and Eric came in to tell him of a monitor need of another singer, Goliath told him to wait, and subsequently explained that Goliath will look bad if Eric comes in like that. As if that makes a difference, his job up there was to be a stage manager and attend to the monitor needs of the singers and musicians, not to look good to them! You think Laurence bothered about looking good, or was looking good to the musicians and singers? Another thing is that if he really has a think against blank faces, then why is it he can work with Winston and Derrick, who has blank faces too what. Goliath even briefed me before, if anything, dont embarass him in one way or another, for the reason that the musicians and singers cannot lose confidence in the stage manager. And in my case, both Goliath and I are in the awkward situation together, and for his advantage of looking good to everyone else around, he told me off and had me walk off, hence making me the ugly and the embarassed one! Thanks ah.

Moving on, come Friday, he sat me down and talked to me during some free time. I emphasis, he talked TO me, not WITH me. He blamed our (referring to the Monitor team) failure in a few aspects. For example, the beltpack assignments being wrong. For that, why blame it on us. He wanted to come down and 'chap. He wanted to do ALL the checks what. For another example, there was one occasion that Karen screamed, and he said that Karen screamed because we were not doing a good job. Hello, Goliath, please look at the context properly! Karen was screaming at one of the musicians, not at us. But at the end, he told me that whatever that happened the day before was all just kidding, it was just for show. Overall, I was doing a really good job. I felt so much like slapping him. He totally left me hanging on a thin thread in mid-air, without any conclusion. So what is it he wants? Is he a skit-zoe or what? (whatever the spelling is)

And throughout the day, things, including simple ones, took very long to get done. Because the management structure that Goliath laid down was very centralized, he had to make the decision or approve of the minors of our actions. Even bringing down the gain for Jen's headworn mic because I saw it clipped and heard distortion took so long. I saw similar situations like this afterwards, and I couldnt be bothered to do what is "necessary" to correct it, just let it be. Why go through the trouble? On another instance, Goliath set compression of Pastor Prince's mic, and later asked how come it was no longer there. Cause I had to recall the scene after the item mah, so the compression was not recorded in the settings in the scene.

That's it. That's for destroying my Chinese New Year. I want Laurence back.. sobz.

spoken adhesives at 09:55

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